knitting our lives together

This year I wanted to make something special for each of my sons that would be useful. Because they live on Lake Michigan near Chicago, I thought some nice knitted scarves might be just right. I went to the store and picked out 2 skeins of Patons Shetland Chunky yarn called 'winter moon' for Gabe, and size 11 needles.

I watched a youtube video on how to knit, and cast on 26 stitches for his 26 years. I knit for awhile, then frogged it, then began again. My friend Anne taught me the term 'frog' for when you get frustrated and rip-it rip-it all out. I knitted then frogged quite a few times until I found a fairly even knit, which as my friend Nola pointed out was all about tension.

It occurred to me that knitting scarves for my grown sons reminded me of crocheting and quilting baby blankets for them before they were born. I wondered if I could knit some love and happiness and magic into these scarves, stitch by stitch. Well a mother can dream, can't she? I thought of how knitting was a metaphor for healing, as in knitting the bones together, and I wished I could use my imagination to make scarves that heal their grief.

Knitting definitely has meditative qualities, so it became quite a comforting thing for me to do. The first skein took a week, and the second took only 24 hours, and voila! One scarf for Gabe to keep him warm and always remind him that his mommy loves him. Sharon said when it was finished that it looked like the Northern Lights, which was cool because our family had once seen them on Friday, March 30, 2001. It was one of those magical things that you can't plan, they just happen.

Then I tried to get Jason to pick some yarn, no luck, so finally grabbed a medium weight Patons Classic Wool called 'palais'. Because it wasn't nearly as thick as the other yarn, I knew I'd have to cast on a lot more stitches, so I decided on 21 for Jason and 24 for Katie for a total of 45. I remembered Jason reading a Johnny Cash biography and telling me about how Johny Cash's brother had died, but in his dreams his brother kept growing older right along with him, so that's why I chose 24 for Katie, as she would be 24 if she was still with us, still his big sister to watch over him. There wasn't nearly so much frogging this time, although I learned what a pain it is when stitches get accidentally dropped or unravelled. This scarf is taking a lot more time, but that's ok. It's full of browns and blues and purples and reds, and Jason seems to like it. He had requested the dark blues and the purple is for Northwestern and he says he likes the red. I hope I can finish it soon so that he can feel the warmth of it and the love in every stitch!

Both times I went to the yarn store, I saw so many wonderful colors that my boys would never wear, but Katie would have loved them. She and I were talking about learning how to knit not long before she died. I had run into Jami at the doctors office, and we were both fascinated by a woman that was knitting a scarf. Jami said she had heard that knitting was the new yoga. Later that day I talked to Katie on the phone, and repeated what Jami had said, about knitting being the new yoga, and she said, "Oh mom, I really want to learn how to knit, some of the girls in the dorm knit." And we decided we'd go to a yarn store together when she got home and learn how to knit.

For a long time I really didn't see the point of doing something without her that we'd planned to do together. Sort of took all the fun out of it. Finally I decided to try it, for both of us. As my friend Mary says, "I get to live all of these years for her."